Measuring Intent

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We’re just now feeling our regular, joyful familial groove return from our time spent gorging on connection, freedom of mind and space, and the annual quintessential family reunion we call The Rethinking Everything Conference.  There are a great many ideas, situations, and conversations on which to reflect and I will continue to analyze and integrate for a great (great!) while.

‘Intent’ has come up several times in the last week in several different ways.  During the very first regular session of the conference, Barb Lundgren, Dayna Martin, myself, and Mark Hegener conducted a panel discussion entitled, “Immerse Me in Unschooling.”  It was a rousing couple of hours with lots of inquiries, debate, and revelation.  During a discussion about a mother feeling overburdened by her child not bringing his dishes to the kitchen after eating, Dayna brought up ‘intent.’  Do we assume positive or negative intent when a child does not live up to an expectation that we hold for whatever reason? 

When holding a freedom-based conference for hundreds of families in a fancy, mainstream hotel, obvious issues arise.  Hotel staff, unaccustomed to the din of children at play, stiffen, raise eyebrows, and increase the security presence.  Some found themselves more relaxed and joyfully aware by the end of the weekend.  I imagine the others just took more ibuprofen for their aching heads and feet and were grateful that their children went to school.  The difference in these two camps is their assumption of intent.  Do they assume children are inherently good and the play is honest and joyful?  Or do they assume that children are destructive, malicious, or simply unaware?

At a recent park day, one of the toddlers in our group decided she would be most comfortable playing naked in the sandbox.  At almost 100 degrees, the rest of us were thinking she had the right idea.  One of the mothers at the park, however, did not.  Ten minutes after she inquired as to whom this child belonged and asked if we were aware that she was not wearing clothing, a police officer arrived indicating that the little girl was indecently exposed and (adding his personal bias) ‘nobody else needs to see that.’  Interestingly enough, Texas penal code section 21.08 defines ‘indecent exposure’ as :  A person commits an offense if he exposes his anus or any part of his genitals with intent to arouse or gratify the sexual desire of any person.  Gosh, I wish I’d had my pocket copy of the penal code with me at the park.

The short of it is that we can argue intent all day.  There is only one person in any situation that is actually justified in dictating the intent and that’s the subject.  We could then make judgments as to whether their stated intent is their actual intent.  But one thing is certain: perception is not intent.  Perception is based on personal bias and our own subjective history. 

Now, I haven’t liked the word ‘assume’ since my 8th grade teacher broke it out on the blackboard.  You may have heard this one: “When you assume, you make an ass– out of –u– and –me.  And, after reading The Four Agreements, I feel incredibly free never assuming anything again because generally an assumption is something we take as a personal affront without any basis in truth.

But that is when we assume negative intent.  There can never be harm when we assume the best for and about people.  We maintain our personal integrity and it completely changes how we interact with others such that the energy is always going in a positive direction. 

So what I’m about to say is a challenge but it will change your life.  Assume positive intent and act accordingly.

Inspired Words

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Coloring Outside the Lines

Some invest heavily
In wrong and right
As if the world
Were black and white
 
Suppose you took
The color away
There’d still be
Countless shades of gray
 
Countless opinions
And points of view
Countless thoughts
On which to chew
 
Should you find something
That works for you
You may want to assume
It will work for me too
 
But I am unique
In my view of the world
How my thoughts and beliefs
Have swirled and twirled
 
In what I’ve experienced
What I like and detest
In what brings me joy
Or brings out my best
 
If I am to find
My place on this Earth
If I’m to find meaning
Feel value and worth
 
I require the freedom
To play and explore
To learn from mistakes
To make even more
 
To try on ideas
To try out new things
To find my own truth
To give my heart wings
 
To be sacred me
In a rainbow of colors
Not a two-tone clone
Spoon fed by others
 
No matter how good
Their intentions may be
No one else can see
What’s right for me
 
I am more capable
Than you can know
Your fears and limits
Won’t help me grow
 
Coloring outside the lines
Is essential
Like you, I am born
Of pure potential.

 Dan Coppersmith

© 2010 Dan Coppersmith

Reprinted with permission.

All Rights Reserved.

See more of Dan’s uplifting poetry at: www.SpiritWire.com

 

HB #28- Guest Podcast:: Freedom & Responsibility with Barb Lundgren and Quinn Eaker

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Quinn is Barb’s oldest child and a grown unschooler.  Having been unschooled in the deepest sense of the word, his sense of self is strong and his awareness is broad.  Discussions with Quinn are immediately intimate.  There is no small talk, no waste of a moment.  He truly lives the intention of being present in the moment rather than simply spending time.  I encourage you to listen to this podcast.  It is truly revealing as are most discussions with Quinn.

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Topic:  Responsibility is the New Compassion
click to the right of this box to listen to the mp3 recording now!

Many people believe compassion is high level action, a sacred/good/right/high feeling and/or thought about another. This, like with all else, is ok, but the reality remains that the energetics of what it is based on is dysfunctional.

Compassion is based on the idea that there are people who NEED help, that there is nothing you can do for them besides feel sorry for them, pray for them, decide for them, take care of life details for them or donate goods to their cause.  All of this is just a handicap for ongoing dysfunction and thus makes the individual who expresses compassion part of the dysfunction.

This conference call is designed with focus on the parent/child relationship to bring forth some realities of freedom and responsibility.  As an example, let’s say one has a child..and this child is upset, angry, shy, frustrated, sad or some other aspect of bad energetic.  Instead of adopting the feeling of “I will pray for my child to find his way or I will buy her something to ease the pain,” a parent could choose instead to talk to the child about how he is feeling, sharing that it is ok to feel however one may feel but there ARE options.there are alternatives.there are infinite possibilities.  Or, possibly an even higher action would be to know that pain is a part of life, as is confusion, uncertainty, doubt, and all may all be a part of evolution.  This is OK.  IT IS NOT a bad thing and actually very important in the self-existing and growth process.  It is  important that an individual be able to deal with one’s own thoughts feelings and life.  It is important that one is able to know that she has the ability to influence her own experience and that she is capable of dealing with whatever experience life brings forth.  Until an individual is capable of dealing with one’s own thoughts, feelings, actions and overall life one will continue to be subject to the system of government/school/corporation/control/manipulation/dogma that is established for them.

There are many people who are aware that they dont really like what is going on but have no idea what to do to shift or engage beneficial new realities to unfold.  There are so many people that do not think for themselves but look to others for guidance.  This is a guaranteed path to suffering.

There is no benefit in taking care of everything for a child, with regard to thinking, choosing, and deciding for a child.  One may think this is compassionate and that compassion is holy but, in fact, it is a handicap that does not serve the parent nor the child.

Children are born of pure potential.  It is, in fact, this world that they are born into and their parents that birth them that is replete with fear, limitation, doubt, lack, control, manipulation, war, abuse, compromise, suffering etc., etc.  Why is it that these children need adult guidance?  Why is it that they need adult TEACHINGS?  Why is it that they need adult COMPASSION????

They do not, of course, and though the title of this is cool and powerful it still boils down to the fact that children are born capable and connected and by living in this world and the influence of the world around them that they lose connection to that.

The alternative to all this is Responsibility.  Children will NOT be responsible until they actually HAVE  responsibility.  Most children are not only irresponsible but wild, destructive and rebellious because they have not experienced real responsibility.  When a child is authentically able to choose for himself, when he sleeps, how he keeps his room, how he treats others, what he does with his time/thoughts/feelings, this child becomes very involved in the process we call LIFE.  A child becomes fully engaged and efficient with her choices and chooses highly beneficial realities for herself.  It is only when a child does not have responsibility that she is irresponsible and seemingly wastes her time.

A child is born with an inner guidance system that is highly sensitive and in tune with what is important.  Every time a child is forced, controlled, manipulated, advised or taught something not actively sought, he is further and further from this natural state of being.

Give your child full responsibility for her life, her choices and follow where that energy goes.  Provide unconditional support and love.  When a child needs/wants something you have to offer you can be sure that child will come to you with a clear and honest request.

Mistakes may be part of life and a free, responsible child may make them as well.  What a free, responsible child will not do that children without responsibility WILL do is repeat mistakes, for when one is living for oneself and responsible for all that one does it is silly to repeat mistakes.  When a child has no responsibility then the mistakes are not for them but for others.  If a child has no responsibility she will not care if she breaks something.  Actually, a child might want to break or ruin things to rebel against control.  A child who is responsible will know that unless there is some very important reason it is not beneficial to break things.

Click here to stream this podcast or download FREE on itunes!

HB #27- Guest Podcast:: Freedom & Responsibility with Barb Lundgren and Courtney Taylor Clay

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Several have asked me about unschooling teens.  Who better to speak to this than a young adult (now mother!) who, herself, was always (in all ways) unschooled?  I am pleased to have Courtney and her family in my personal experience.  Her presence is quiet and powerful.  She has much to share.

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Courtney is an unschooling mom of a 9 month old son and is herself a product of a lifetime of unschooling, self direction and self responsibility.

Topic:  Raising Teens with Maximum Freedom and Self Responsibility

Who says being a teen has to be difficult?  Who says teens lack motivation and are irresponsible?  It doesn’t have to be this way!  In an environment of respect, love and unconditional support, teens thrive, self direct and experiment with life in exciting and profoundly intelligent ways that foster growth, independence and self ownership.  We’ll talk about how to achieve this empowered and enlightened state with your teens, or soon-to-be teens.

Click here to stream this podcast or download FREE on itunes!

HB#26- Guest Podcast:: Freedom & Responsibility with Barb Lundgren and Teresa Brett

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Another great guest podcast especially for you! 

Barb Lundgren of the Rethinking Everything Conference and Rethinking Everything Magazine and Teresa Brett of Parenting for Social Change dissect the process of consciously moving forward in our parenting by addressing our personal blocks and challenges that hold us captive in struggle.

Topic:  The Spiral of Learning, Growth, Freedom and Responsibility

The idea of learning as a spiral comes from Paulo Freire’s discussion of praxis (action and reflection).  It is the notion that learning is much more like a spiral than a linear progression of knowledge and skill development. For us parents, rather than progressing linearly, we will often revisit the same challenges.   When we consciously develop the ability to reflect on our actions, we hopefully revisit the issue from a perspective that is further up the spiral, requiring thoughtful work on our part.  Let’s talk about the thoughtful process that is required of us as we challenge ourselves to upgrade our actions, our communication with our children and teens and move gradually up the spiral to a place of real confidence and unconditionality.

Click here to stream directly or download FREE on itunes!

HB#25- Guest Podcast:: Freedom & Responsibility with Barb Lundgren and Yours Truly

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How often do we slip into old paradigms of parenting/learning structure without even knowing it? It’s easy to fall back into traditional patterns with our children when situations become uncomfortable or we’re not getting the outcomes that we expect or desire?  In this conference call, Barb and I discuss the rationale for these missteps and how to re-orient ourselves to a paradigm in which we are supporting freedom and responsibility for our children… and ourselves.
 
Topic:  Replacing Manipulative and Coercive Parenting Behavior with Trust and Allowance to Foster Maximum Freedom and Responsibility for Ourselves and Our Children and Teens

Despite our well intentioned motives, we err when we fall back on old school, conditioned ideas of what children need to become responsible beings.  Notions of withholding privileges, time outs, “natural consequences,” forcing a child to complete unfinished projects, setting meal times and bed times, for example, are all old school ways of being with children that result in resentment, angst, disinterest and a general lack of taking responsibility.  Let’s dissect how the development of self responsibility really takes place and some of the myriad loving and respectful ways of communicating with children and teens that fosters this.

Click here to stream directly or download FREE on itunes!

HB #24- Guest Podcast:: Freedom & Responsibility with Barb Lundgren & Scott Noelle

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I have a surprise for you!  In preparation for the Rethinking Everything Conference in September, Barb Lundgren is hosting a series of seven conference calls focusing on many different areas of concern for parents regarding Freedom and Responsibility.  I will be sharing them here with you. 

In this episode: Barb and Scott Noelle discuss how to ready ourselves with an awareness of what freedom and responsibility are and how to support them in ourselves and our children as partners.

 Topic: Are You Ready for Freedom and Responsibility?
As much as we might dream about and want to create rich environments of unconditional love and support for our children’s and teens’ freedom-based learning, the fact is we can’t give what we don’t have!  If we feel enslaved to work, bound by beliefs, stuck in relationships, burdened by chores, or addicted to others’ approval, we have yet to claim for ourselves the kind of freedom and responsibility we want our children to have. This can lead to feelings of resentment towards our children and even lapses into the kind of adversarial parenting behaviors we’ve rejected. In this call, we will address some of the conditioned thoughts and beliefs that are difficult to let go of and offer strategies to unload that baggage once and for all, so you can be confident and free to move ahead and create the life you dream of.

Click here to stream this podcast or download FREE on itunes!

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