Yesterday I re-posted a link on my Facebook page to The Center for Effective Discipline’s Spank Out Day. Honestly, I almost didn’t re-post it because I thought it rather unnecessary to tell people not to spank for two reasons. 1) Most people don’t spank anymore anyway. 2) People that do spank know there are better options but are sometimes too angry to control themselves. I thought it would be silly to even bring it up. We’re all working on doing better everyday, right? Wrong.
I’m glad I did. Because I was wrong on both counts. Apparently spanking is still considered an appropriate means of dealing with what parents deem as behavioral issues with children.
I’m feeling pretty judgmental on this issue today and, after careful consideration, feel absolutely certain that there is no grey area here. I’ve trotted around it in my head trying to think of a kinder, gentler way to help people to understand why it’s unnecessary and positively damaging to spank children. There isn’t one. Because people who spank feel absolutely entitled, if not obligated, to do so in order to raise obedient little soldiers. So I’m going to say it really loud- STOP HITTING YOUR KIDS!
We could go on about peoples considered as lesser throughout our history being subjugated to the will of the dominant sector- yes, as recently as women who were punished routinely by their husbands (completely within their rights) for any manner of ‘wrong’ doing. But parents who spank don’t hear this because of their determination to raise an obedient child. Children do not have the same rights as other groups in the eyes of these parents and, indeed, in the eyes of the law.
We could talk about issues of perpetual violence and detrimental associations between love and violent behaviors. But parents who spank will say that this was how they were raised and they love their parents and turned out well.
We can talk about linguistics and the fact that spanking is a soft word that parents use to alleviate the guilt associated with the words ‘hitting’, ‘abuse’, ‘violence’, ‘control’ which are all more appropriate words to describe the actual act being committed. But parents who spank will say that the motivation behind spanking is different. They are not hitting their child out of anger, they are hitting them out of love. (Now say that last part again in your head. Do you hope to be loved that way?)
We can even cite literature that shows that physical punishment is completely ineffective in creating the behavioral change the parent seeks. What it incites is fear and any manner of deceit in order not to get caught again. Spankers say it works because they see less of the behavior. Might we be hopeful that this is because the child has sought out a more supportive environment and is spending less time with the abusive parent? We can hope but given that children of ‘spanking age’ are usually in their very physically dependent early years, I doubt it. But it’s not because the desired lesson was learned. What is internalized by the child in these encounters is to live in fear because those who love them also inflict physical, psychological, and emotional harm on them.
Hitting is only one of many (a few more: time out, isolation, humiliation, withdrawal of affection, taking away personal items/’priveledges’) overt and damaging methods of controlling a child. Simply replacing hitting with another method of control is not the solution.
The hard part here is NOT learning a new skill to use in these situations but changing the way in which we view them and our children. It is changing the way we view the traditional hierarchical family dynamic to one of trust, appreciation, support, and true love (not this wacky, power struggle, abusive cycle kind). And guess what? You will never need discipline or punishment because what you have created is a respectful home community in which your wisdom, care, and love are appreciated because they are communicated in ways that are clear to the child’s heart and mind. This article- Why we don’t punish our son. Ever. – nailed it in my opinion. Thank you, Jillian Lauren, for rocking me to sleep last night with the pull I needed back to MY reality- the one in which my children communicate openly with their parents and each other and difficult situations are met with compassion and problem-solving not violence, guilt, and shame.
Having support in parenting is monumental and generally people parent the way their parents did so the support for change is definitely not coming from there. When we know better, we do better. Here’s some great literature for reconsidering and healing the parent-child relationship:
Connection Parenting by Pam Leo
Parenting for Social Change by Teresa Graham Brett
Humans Being 
Apr 28, 2011 @ 22:37:51
So true. I heard a lesson on the “rod” verse from your title from a shepherd that really helped my perspective. It wasn’t used for beating the sheep, but for guiding and helping them go the right direction, keeping them from harm, etc. So in a loving, helpful manner of leading, not punishing or hitting (because then they wouldn’t follow). I’m not a shepherd of course, but it sure made sense to me and gave me a new perspective of that verse.
Apr 29, 2011 @ 08:05:27
@Margie, I LOVE that! It is so simple as a bible verse and also easily twisted. I am so happy to see someone else who knows shepherds didn’t/don’t beat their sheep but guide them with their staff and rod.
Apr 29, 2011 @ 10:52:10
Yep, it’s true–no good shepherd would have hit his sheep if he wanted them to come to him. I mean, that’s ridiculous to even think of. This Bible verse has gotten a bad rap, when really it’s a great proverb about guiding our children as a shepherd would guide his sheep to food, water, shelter, safety. The “rod” in this case is a shepherd’s staff.
Apr 29, 2011 @ 21:45:03
It is interesting how many ways Bible passages can be interpreted depending on the motives of the reader. While I definitely find this interpretation gentler, it still seems condescending and hierarchical to label children as ‘sheep’ that require steering. Neither here nor there, unfortunately, as the general populus’ understanding of the passage (much like the negativity associated with the swastika symbol which actually is symbolic of ‘good existence’ and was around thousands of years before being used by the Nazis http://reclaimtheswastika.com/symbolism/) has allowed them to condone and defend child abuse as a religious recommendation. And it is for this reason that a portion of the passage was used as a title for the post.
This site provides an interesting history on the phrase, “Spare the rod. Spoil the child.”
“Meaning:
The notion that children will only flourish if chastised, physically or otherwise, for any wrongdoing.”
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/328950.html
Apr 29, 2011 @ 22:38:09
Spamming my own post. 🙂 Tara Wagner (aka The Organic Sister) just posted this link with regards to this post on her FB page. I thought it appropriate to share with you all as I am enlightened:
http://parentingfreedom.com/discipline/
LOVE!
Sarah
May 01, 2011 @ 10:17:27
This has been a very long process for me. It has been a long spritual journey. I take being a Catholic Christian very seriously, and being a parent just as seriously. I have prayed before the blessed Sacrament, taken Holy Communion to the sick at the hospital, and lead the pro-life group at our church. On this spiritual journey, I have learned so much. I have tried to draw close to God and ask him how he wanted me to parent. I started out using spanking with my older two, and then shifted away from it when I was inspired to read about St. John Bosco. St. Therese and Mother Teresa have also influenced me greatly. What I found was, the more gently I talked and the closer I drew to my children, the less and less I had to discipline, until the need to use the “traditional” means of spanking, time-outs etc. just fell away. My older ones remember being spanked and being sent to their rooms, but my younger ones never were. The younger ones are so much better “behaved’, but really they just follow my lead and it works so beautifully. I can’t describe the relief and joy parenting has been since I have been on this path. The key belief is that children want to be good and please their parents, they just need to know how and why. The need to know why comes when they can reason more, for sure after age 6 or 7. Many times children have needs that are not being met, and they can’t express it when they are younger except in ways adults consider “misbehavior”, like meltdowns, crying, tantrums, and doing contrary things. It takes more work to acknowedge their feelings and then work to find out what happened, but it is so worth it. When I give them my unlimited time, attention, and understanding, they are just so much calmer, happier and “well behaved”. I try to remember that sacrifice is the key. I am selfish and want things my way, but I am called to sacrifice and the kids follow that lead. Example is the best way to teach. I think that is why Jesus had to die on a cross and show people about sacrifice by modeling. I don’t worry about where my teens/young adults are and what they are doing, and my younger kids are always getting compliments about how well they are behaved. They often stare at me in wonder when they hear an adult saying something like… that, and I just smile and wonder how I can explain in one sentence. My son Joey is doing so well in catechism. No one complains about going to church every Sunday. My older kids still all go with us ( at 19 and 21 years old). I am so grateful to God for all of my blessings. Thanks for reading this post and letting me share my story. God bless.
May 01, 2011 @ 20:58:26
altho’ i agree w/not hitting, i will say this: I was spanked/hit mostly by my dad (I don’t remember it happening more than 1x/month) and I remember thinking as a child that my dad hitting me when he was angry was better than my mom’s guilt trips, manipulation, love withdrawal and conditional love…i.e., emotional abuse. With my dad, I knew he was angry and him hitting me was because HE was angry. with my mom, I thought something was wrong with me and that I was unlovable. So, while I think hitting/spanking is unacceptable, if someone stops hitting and just substitutes that for manipulation or emotional abuse instead of actually becoming a better parent, that may not do much for the kid. However, there are too many horror stories out there still about parents who beat their kids unconscious or until they’re dead or even just hurt…those kids just need new homes and new parents.